The (Un)Sanctity of Marriage (part 1)

Forewarning: if you got married really young or really quickly, this post might not be for you.

So I'm obviously not married, but I'm obviously not an idiot either; so here's my view on marriage (particularly at BYU).
I'll start by laying some of my ground rules:

1. Dating someone for a month (or even three or four) is not sufficient time to have decided that you're gonna marry that person and to start planning your wedding.
2. Marrying the first person you date out of high school or even anyone you date before you're at least twenty is usually stupid (not always).
3. Having your wedding planned before you're even engaged is a mockery.
#oynaf

So let's start with the first point. Here at BYU/BYU-I as well as in the Idaho/Utah culture of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you see a lot—A LOT—of people getting engaged after two months, maybe even as long as four. Then they get married two months later, so I have to assume that they've been planning their wedding since their one- or even two-month mark of dating...ONE MONTH! I've had food in my fridge longer than these people have even known each other. And then they'll say the old "when you know, you know" line like that is some universally understood and accepted excuse for acting like an idiot. Like can I just say that after any stupid thing I do? *drops out of school simply because I'm lazy* "Well when you know, you know" *everyone gives a sweet head tilt/nod like they now understand all my life decisions* And my response to this will always be an emphatic, "NO."

 I don't know if they think that those wild stories about people knowing they've found the one after one date are everyday occurrences or if they think they've received some special witness from God where he decided to not make them do any work for themselves and just gave them a free pass, but NO. In the first scenario, I'm gonna go ahead and say NO, those stories (which I'm not even sure I believe) are exceptions. In the words of He's Just Not That Into You, "you're NOT the exception." The whole reason those stories are "romantic" is because they are rare...they don't happen to every person who attends BYU or BYU-I. They're not magical schools. 

Then if we're looking at the spiritual aspect, I'll go ahead and let the Church's own scripture speak for itself, "you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me [God] if it be right." So if you think that after a month, God is just going to let you off the hook and "tell" you that this is the person you're suppose to marry, you're wrong. Firstly, because there is no one person you're "supposed" to marry, we should know this by now. Secondly, God himself said that THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS! You have to do the work, study it out, spend time with that person, ask important questions,  discuss finances, talk about your goals, see them in different settings (maybe ones that make them angry or sad), see how they treat their family, learn how to communicate and work out problems, understand what relationships and marriage mean to that person (and to you), etc., etc. 

Now if you honestly and truly can fully master all those things in one month, then go for it, but again that would make you the exception. And like we've already talked about, "you're NOT the exception." And people wonder why the divorce rate is so high. It's because of people who get married after four months because "they just know," but don't, in fact, know anything about the person they are marrying or anything about how to sustain a relationship. 

I'll liken this to cliff jumping. Getting married really quickly is like hearing someone tell you about cliff jumping, and then finding a random rock and jumping off into an unfamiliar pool of water below, without even looking. Now this could work out, the water might be nice with no rocks, and you'll be fine. Or you could jump into rocky water with no idea what's coming. Obviously until you jump, you can't be sure what jumping will be like, but you can do a lot to make sure that you stand the best chance of jumping successfully by doing the work: surveying the area, checking for rocks, getting familiar with your surroundings. Marriage takes work, and if you can't even wait long enough to jump into it to be able to establish a foundation, you're cliff jumping blind. That doesn't mean it won't work out, but taking a few extra months to actually put work in beforehand could save you a whole lot a trouble. What's a few extra months compared to a heart-wrenching divorce in two years? Of course there's never a guarantee, but getting married in four months definitely isn't gonna do you any favors in the future either.

I'd like to discuss Rule 2 and 3, but since Rule 1 is so long, I'll have to discuss the other two next time. 

Let's be smart out there everyone.